qqjili Is It Fair to Judge a Friend by the Way She Voted?

My best friend and I grew up in moderate-conservative households. While I became more progressive as I agedqqjili, she grew more conservative. In the past, we were able to have heated conversations and remain on good terms. Now I fear asking whom she voted for, suspecting that it was Trump. While I respect traditional Republican values, I believe Trump supporters are bad and selfish. My questions are: 1) Is it ethical to automatically characterize my friend as a bad and selfish person for potentially voting for him? And 2) Is it ethical to investigate whom my friend voted for just so I can get her to change her mind? — Name Withheld

From the Ethicist:

Assuming that your friend did support Trump, you have no real idea why. Suppose she did so because she believed that democracy was in peril and wanted to protect it. You might think she was mistaken, but you couldn’t call that motive ignoble or selfish. We owe it to our friends not to believe ill of them without compelling evidence.

Now, you may think that someone who considered a vote for Trump to be a vote for democracy must not have been paying attention. You may think, further, that it’s wrong to do something as important as voting without due diligence. That is a kind of fault, but it’s not necessarily a result of selfishness. And I wonder whether you have any reason to assume that your friend was less diligent than many Democratic voters.

Finally, friends don’t ‘‘investigate’’ one another. If you have a question, ask it, and then listen. It’s at odds with the norms of friendship to have a conversation solely in order to change someone’s mind. In genuine conversation, we want to find out what our friends think and why they think it, because we care about them and their opinions. Even if you’re confident that nothing your friend says could change your view of Trump, you should certainly entertain the possibility that you will change your view of her.

A Bonus Question

My 20-year-old grandson voted for Trump, despite my attempts to help him understand the threat to democracy. (While I expressed my concerns, I respected his right to vote for the candidate of his choice and was proud that he voted in his first election.) My husband shared this information with his adult children — ours is a blended family — without getting my grandson’s consent or consulting me. His family, like us, aren’t Trump supporters. I’m struggling with this breach of privacy and disrespect for our marriage. — Name Withheld

From the Ethicist:

Having a secret ballot protects us from employers and other people with power over us, who might otherwise subject us to pressure or penalties. That’s why John Stuart Mill was wrong to oppose it. Still, he had a point to make: that every voter should consider the public good, and act as if under public scrutiny. I agree that your husband should have considered the possibility that your grandson believed that he was speaking to you in confidence. Still, you don’t indicate that your husband had reason to think this was the case. And there’s something to be said for the ideal of citizens who are willing to talk with one another about the issues and their views.

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